Stuff I Learned This Weekend


My teachers

I don’t have kids and I never was one, so my experience with wee folk and their behavior is limited. And when I say wee folk, I’m not referring to fairies because I have tons of experience with fairies–enough to fill several posts, I’ll venture–but I’ll save those stories for later once I have accompanying images. This all could take a while because fairies are slippery, elusive little shits when it comes to being photographed, except for Georg, who is an attention whore and a total a-hole, making him a rare fairy indeed–a “rairy” if you will. Anyway, I refuse to take Georg’s photo simply because he wants me to so badly, which totally pisses him off. And yes, I know I’m playing with fire by pissing off a fairy. Well, you know what? Bring it, Georg. BRING. IT. But I digress.

No, the wee folk to which I’m referring are my nieces, ages one and three and a half. They visited this weekend and taught me a lot. For instance:

  • Be free and democratic with compliments. The elder entered the lavatory that was to be hers during her stay and said with awe and wonder “this is a beautiful bathroom.” We beamed. Her mother then informs us she made the same pronouncement last week while using the facilities at Wal-Mart. And lest you think she lives in a hovel or is unaccustomed to indoor plumbing, I should point out that she has a perfectly lovely bathroom of her own at home. It occurs to me that perhaps she was being sarcastic in both instances but hasn’t yet mastered the delivery. If that’s the case, well-played kid, well-played.
  • Ask Why. Again, the elder–I understand it’s common for her age-set to do so. After this weekend, I realize I don’t ask “why” enough, I just accept whatever I’m told. Well, that shit stops right now. I’m all about the “why” from here on out. Get ready, mofos.
  • In a related matter, be prepared for the question “why?” I wasn’t. Why not, you ask? Well, it’s because no one ever questions me, that’s why not. Truly, I can say the most outlandish, bizarre stuff and no one says a word or bats an eye, mostly because they’re afraid to engage with me for fear that if they do I won’t shut up and go away, which I won’t. Turns out, my niece doesn’t share this fear and, as a result, questioned me with wild abandon, forcing me to make up shit on the fly that she will carry with her as gospel for the rest of her life, influencing every decision she makes. I’d make a lousy parent.
  • Be more efficient with communication. This gem I got from the little one and it may be my favorite. As far as I can tell, the only word in her current vocabulary is “mimi” which could mean mama but also could be daddy or dog. However, she excels at expressing her desire for more food with sign language, by rolling her two tiny hands into fists and banging them together. You guys, it’s a game changer and I’m totally stealing it. Imagine being able to demand more food while your mouth is still stuffed with the food you already have. Pure. Genius. That girl is going places and I plan to follow.
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    Georg thinks I’m taking his photo but I’ve cut him out of the shot. Stupid little fucker.

Categories: Extra Dry Blog

2 replies

  1. This is probably one of my most favorite posts of yours. Fairies and my nieces? Yes please! And it totally reeks of your personality. Which I miss. A Lot. Come visit!

    Love you!


  2. You sound like excellent parental material to me! (and for what it’s worth, I apparently also had quite the affinity for restaurant restrooms around age 4. I always demanded to see them – it’s a certain personality) They’re lucky to have you and yes – will take it everything you say as gospel for all their lives. What a wonderful post – thank you for sharing!


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